


Running Commentary

by Lurky McLurklurk (ionlylurkhere)



Category: IT Crowd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-23
Updated: 2008-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-25 02:31:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1626809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionlylurkhere/pseuds/Lurky%20McLurklurk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Moss just gets overcome by excitement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Running Commentary

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Kristin for a very helpful beta.
> 
> Written for Doyle

 

 

Moss came into the office, carefully removed first one strap and then the other of his rucksack, hung his anorak up by the door, then stood by his desk. While he had been executing this procedure, he had observed that Roy was playing Solitaire (implying that either he was waiting for code to compile or just being lazy), and that Jen's office door was closed (so she was busy, or simply had not yet arrived at work).

Having determined that Roy was clearly interruptible, Moss went ahead with his preplanned announcement. "Guess what I've got, Roy," he said, remaining standing so as to command 56% more attention than if he had sat down at his desk before beginning to speak. When Roy turned to look at him, he added an impromptu "You'll never guess!"

"Well, if I'll never guess, you may as well just tell me," Roy said.

"No, go on, guess," Moss said. His little outburst had rather ruined things, but he didn't let it dampen his spirits too much.

"You've got ... new shoes," Roy said.

"No," said Moss, as he finally sat down.

"You've got an idea that might seem brilliant on the face of things, but will inevitably backfire terribly?"

"No. That is to say, I have several such ideas, but that's not what I'm talking about right now."

"You've got a deadly new disease that's going to wipe out humanity and you're Patient Zero." Roy put up two fingers to form a cross. "Get away from me, you infected freak, you'll kill us all!"

"Roy, I don't think you're taking this altogether seriously," Moss said. "Guess properly."

"I don't know, Moss," Roy said wearily. "As you correctly predicted right at the beginning of this conversation, I cannot, in fact, guess what it is that you have got. For the love of god, please can you just tell me and put both of us out of our misery?"

"Ta-dah!" said Moss as he pulled the DVD from his rucksack. "Planet Pirates III: Beyond the Danger Zone."

Roy gasped. "A third film that's better than both the original and the sequel! Such things are the stuff of myth and legend. But I thought it wasn't going to be released until next Friday?"

"I bought it online and it was shipped early by mistake."

"Ooh, did you get the one with three different commentaries?"

"Did I get the one with three different commentaries? Roy, this is the deluxe three-disc edition." He clicked open the case to prove it, and the third disc in question promptly slid out and skittered across his desk. He grabbed for it, knocking over his mug in the process. It was a good thing he hadn't already made his morning coffee.

"Ooh, what's on the third disc?"

"An entirely re-edited version of the film, constructed entirely from outtakes," Moss said as he clicked it firmly into place. "It's going to be _brilliant_."

"So when are you going to watch it?"

"I haven't decided yet," Moss said. "I want to give it the full cinematic experience."

"Did you buy a new TV in the end, then?" Roy was of course aware that Moss only had a 14-inch screen in his room.

"No," Moss said. "Though it is high on my list of possible discretionary purchases once my one year Mexican microfinance bond matures." He coughed slightly. "You've got a widescreen TV though, haven't you, Roy?"

"Moss, are you doing that thing where you try to get me to invite you over to mine to watch your film, because you don't want to watch a film with sexy bits while your mum's in the house?"

Moss spent a moment marvelling at Roy's uncanny ability to discern his hidden agenda. It was like he had some sort of spooky telepathic powers. "Yes," he admitted finally.

"OK, then. What about seven o'clock?"

"Seven o'clock it is."

* * *

 _"Yeeeee-hah!"_ said Captain Blackstar as he pulled up on the controls, desperately trying to escape the thick atmosphere of the gas giant he had been forced to fly his spaceship into to avoid the deadly, implacable Enforcer Droids of the Galactic Imperium.

"This bit's physically impossible, of course," Moss said.

"Ah, yes," Roy agreed, "the heat generated by shedding that much kinetic energy would ignite the atmosphere and burn him to a crisp anyway. It was established in the first act that this planet has large amounts of methane in its upper layers."

Moss turned to look at him. "I see you've read ChairMaker2006's essay on the topic too."

"Indeed I have," Roy said.

"Not that it spoils the film overall," Moss said. "Just one of those niggling Hollywood things." He tutted slightly.

"I wonder if they talk about it on any of the commentaries," Roy said.

Moss rolled his eyes as his first attempt at changing the audio track didn't bring them any closer. "Music only option." He tried again. "Surround sound music only option." And again. "Ah hah!"

 _"—really understand what's happening here,"_ one of the actors said, in an accent rather less declamatory than that of his character. _"Do you?"_

 _"Well,"_ said the man who played Blackstar, _"when we filmed it I was just in a tiny little set in front of a green screen. They told me to look scared but exhilarated so I did."_

_"It's difficult, isn't it ..."_

"Actors," Roy said dismissively. "Try the next one." He grabbed the case off the floor. "Writers and producers. Surely they must be aware of what a terrible howler they've made."

Moss pressed the button. _"—like the symbolism in this scene,"_ said one voice. They hadn't been listening since the beginning, so they'd missed the helpful part where the behind the scenes people all identified themselves. _"As he goes deeper into the atmosphere, he goes deeper into his own psychological torment ..."_

"The last one's the special effects guys," Roy said, reading again from the case. "Surely they must have realised. They probably pointed it out and were told to just get on with it. Like that time Denholm bought a surfboard to go with his computer, and we had to spend three months trying to find a way to let him literally surf the internet."

"A particularly apt analogy," Moss said. "You might well be right." He pressed the button again.

 _"—so cool,"_ an anonymous special effect person said. _"Isn't it just so cool?"_

 _"Definitely my favourite sequence of the entire film,"_ came the reply. _"I remember when we were storyboarding it, we kept adding more and more bits, like that lightning over there in the lower clouds—"_

Moss leaned forward, slightly tetchy. "Didn't think of adding in physical realism though, did you?" he said to the screen. He sighed and pressed the audio-track selection button one more time to cycle back to the soundtrack of the film itself.

He and Roy both jumped back into the sofa when a plummy male voice boomed out from the speakers. _"—gratulations, you have found the super-secret commentary track,"_ it said. _"Congratulations, you have found the super-secret commentary track."_

"An Easter egg!" Roy shouted. "Moss, you found an Easter egg."

 _"Congratulations,"_ the voice said again, _"you have found the super-secret commentary track."_

"And since only I and a few other people have received the disc this early," Moss pointed out, "it's highly likely that I can be the first person to report it on the Internet."

_"Congratulations, you have found the super-secret commentary track."_

"Does it actually _do_ anything, or does it just say that over and over?" Roy said.

"Who cares?" Moss retorted. "This is very exciting, Roy! I'll be world-wide-web-famous." And then he kissed him.

Roy's immediate reaction could be best described as startled; so startled that Moss continued to be able to kiss him for almost a minute. Moss was slightly surprised to find this actually happening. Quickly, he ran through the list of extraneous details that he'd worked out tended to indicate he was fantasising. Only two of the eight were present. And the repeating _"Congratulations, you have found the super-secret commentary track"_ wasn't something he'd ever thought of, he had to admit. This was really happening!

Eventually, Roy broke away. "Moss, what ...? What just happened?"

"I kissed you, Roy. I kissed you and I ruddy liked it!"

"Er, OK," said Roy. "Listen, I ... Well, yeah, OK." This time, Roy kissed Moss.

When they broke for breath, Moss said, "Can I take this to mean that you're both more comfortable with your sexuality than you sometimes appear, and aware of and willing to act on our deep mutual attraction?"

"Er, I suppose so, yeah," Roy said, sounding slightly sheepish.

"Good, because that will save a lot of conversation that I'm not entirely sure I would be very good at having."

"OK, good. Shall we ...?"

"Roy," Moss interrupted.

"Yes, Moss?"

"I have an erection."

_"Congratulations, you have found the super-secret commentary track."_

"I don't think we need the running commentary any more, Moss," Roy said, as he leaned in towards him again.

Moss hit the remote control and the DVD player clicked onto standby.

 


End file.
